PenCapChew1994 on Xanga

PenCapChew1994

Interests: Music, photography, art, writing, hands, eyes, hair, poetry, lust, love, hate, life, loss, stalking people, vampires, thrift stores, my guitar, my room, the feeling of bleeding, crying. Kurt Cobain!! He is my hero! My favourite bands: Nirvana is deff my favourite band but besides them..I like Alice in Chains, Third Eye Blind, Bush, Soul Asylum, Hole, Sublime, The Cure, Hall and Oats, ArcLight, No Address, My Chemical Romance, Taking Back Sunday, The Used, Senses Fail, 30 seconds to Mars, Reggie and the Full Effect, Straylight Run, The Matches, Blink 182, Slipknot, Muse, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Tupac, Eminem. I like dead music and music that hasn't hit it big. I like deep music. I like to really listen to lyrics.

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PenCapChew1994

Member Since: 10/1/2005

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Posting Calendar

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Sunday, December 18, 2005

New site...

TheOtherImprov1994

go check it out..i won't be on here anymore

7:40 PM - 1 view - 4 eprops - 2 comments - email it

Friday, December 16, 2005

Currently Listening
Where You Want To Be
By Taking Back Sunday
Set Phasers to Stun
see related

So long ago, I don't remember when, that's when they say I lost my only friend. Well, they said she died easy of a broken heart disease. As I listened through the cemetery trees. I seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn. The long broken arm of human law. Now it always seemed such a waste. She always had a pretty face. So I wondered how she hung around this place. Hey, come on try a little. Nothing is forever. There's got to be something better than in the middle. But me & Cinderella, we put it all together. We can drive it home, with one headlight. She said it's cold. It feels like Independence Day and I can't break away from this parade. But there's got to be an opening somewhere here in front of me, through this maze of ugliness and greed. And I seen the sun up ahead at the county line bridge, sayin' all there's good and nothingness is dead. We'll run until she's out of breath. She ran until there's nothin' left. She hit the end-it's just her window ledge. Well this place is old, it feels just like a beat up truck. I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn. Well it smells of cheap wine & cigarettes. This place is always such a mess. Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn. I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else. Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same. But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams I think her death it must be killin' me.

Don't wake me if I'm dreaming

Don't believe in love

I m trying the 600 calorie a day or less diet. Hopefully this works....I just want to be perfect

3:58 PM - 2 views - 4 eprops - 4 comments - email it

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The life line. The love line. The mounds of Venus and Mars.

If you ever mention him to me you'll never see me again.

Promise?

I breathe him into me and now he won't leave.

Remember your promise.

All this is my fault. Sometimes you do something and you get fucked. Sometimes it's the things you don't do and you get fucked. So many people go there to die. Am I there? Have I given up?

SHe said this wasn't a for-real suicide. Probably just one of those cry-for-help things.

I'm dying

Dying

DYING!!!

She could die just as well watching television. She just hoped there was something worth watching.

How could I compete for his attention?

Rejection.

What's worse is this is all my fault.

*******************************************************************

You can forget about me come tomorrow. Just act like I was never there. It's simple. But don't tell me to act like this never happened. You happened. We happened. Don't tell me that I never loved you because I meant every word I fucking said. Don't tell me this is over because it will never be over until the day I die.

Set your watch back two hours so it will feel like time hasn't passed. This sharp edge is less painful than the last words you said to me. You havn't been here for awhile. I'm starting to get scared. The magic of everything, I can just take the pain away through the needle. But not forever. Everywhere I go I still ask about you. I still am trying to save my heart just in case I find you again.

I look inside the cars that people died in and smile. Did they feel the last minute of their life like I will?

Everything seems so empty. I've never been here before but somehow they all seem to know me. Am I awake? Am I sleeping?

If you can wake up in a different place. If you can wake up at a different time. Why can't you fucking wake up as a different person?

Everybody is starting to look alike. I have never been in here before tonight. Strangers know my name. They say I've been in here before..Thursday. No. They know everything about me..stuff that not even he knows.

You love me. <3

X You ignore me X

You save my life

What the hell do you want? I'm not much. There's not anything to give anymore.

I need pain to wake me up. But I'm not asleep. And pain...ha! That's nothing new.

I guess this isn't a dream.

Her accidently~attempted suicide

They tell you that this feeling will pass. But I want to stay in this moment forever.

We're all going to die. I've got to get some sleep. I've got to find him. I tell myself goodnight. My screaming becomes smaller and smaller until it is gone.

<< she blinks!!

Why did he do this to me? He said he loved me. And he's gone not caring how I feel or that I'm crying myself to sleep at night. And it seems like I'm a fucking problem to everyone. If I'm gone then maybe everybody will be happier. I want out of all of it. Please make it all stop. Take the confusion away. I'm all alone, nobody cares whether I live or die. All I ever do is cause problems for everyone. How can I get him back? That asshole doesn't know how much he means to me and my life. I don't have a life without him. And everyone left me. Can't they see that I'm dying? Don't they care? Please God do something for me and make this my time to go. I can never do as good as everyone else and I'm too much of a fuck up for anyone to care. I'm so fucking naive to think that he could've cared for me. I'm a failure in everything that is important to me. The only way out of this is to end it all. How can I trust anyone? I want to say goodbye to everyone. You mean more to me than my life. I'm sorry I have caused you so many problems and fights. Mom I wish I could've been the person you and Dad wanted me to be. But I'm not. I'm not even close. I know that you and Dad never wanted me when I was born and I wish like hell that I never was born. I can't do anything right and all I do is cause the rest of the family to fight. No one will even talk to me anymore. You're all so busy and here I sit. Please someone do something so I can't feel the hurt anymore. I hurt so bad but what can I do? I'm trying to watch TV but I don't know what I'm watching. It's so lonely here. I want to sleep but it just won't come. I'm so tired of hurting and being alone. I keep thinking about him and I'm scared. Nobody cares so why should I? I cause problems for everyone I care about so why should I stay? Why am I such a terrible person? Nothing I do is right. I don't understand. I don't have any choice in the matter. To make everything better I have to die. I can't make it right by living. I'm so scared. I want out. I wish he would call to say everything is all right. I've lost the most important thing in my life. I'm so very tired of being alone, and making everyone miserable. I'm so fucked up, how can I expect to be able to do anything right? I'm far from what I was expected to be. I've failed at everything. There is nothing for me here. I don't want to go on. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. Please believe me. I love you all so very much, and I don't want to hurt you anymore. I'm so cold, please do something. I can't stand this empty feeling that I'm having. My head is horrible. Stop the pounding it hurts so much. I have no control over anything in my life. I'm breaking into pieces.

Somebody do something.

Maybe tonight I won't cry myself to sleep this time.

Will these be the words that end everything?

It hurts to think about how I'll never be good enough for you

5:18 PM - 1 view - 8 eprops - 6 comments - email it

Sunday, December 11, 2005

It's getting closer to x~mas. I'll be alone this holiday. I don't care how many people are around me, I'll still be alone.

Here's a story I wrote....

The girl frowned as her sadness made deep footprints in the new snow. No one could see her tears in the darkness but no one was around to see anyways. Silence filled the night sky. She sat down at an empty playground looking down into the sparkling snow. She could hear the sounds of a nearby car although she felt so distant. A young boy stood across the street. He was lost. She was lost. Their abandoned eyes met. Their hearts. Hope filled his stained eyes. His eager feet moved towards her. And her frown turned to a smile as she watched the car crash into his immortal youth. Fire arose around the innocent, lifeless body. And in this moment she was happy. She looked down at her worn out converse, smiling to herself. And upon looking up, he was right there. He spoke his words softly, so matured for such a young boy. She moved hair out of his delicate face. He touched her cold hands with his. She loved him too. And together they flew away, disappearing in the beautiful night sky.

Close your eyes. Pay attention because this is the greatest moment of your life

Because everything up to now is a story

And everything after now is a story

This is the greatest moment of our life

At the end of a long, long road I picture miles away from me, i see him.

come back to the pain

don't look at him. don't look at yourself. don't hear yourself cry

close your eyes

don't shut this out

silence

blackness, getting deeper and deeper on every side, with every step up. everybody is quiet with the climb and this tradition of this little act of rebellion

listen to me. open your eyes. you can cry

you will die

look at me

someday, you will die, and until you know that you're useless to me

you can cry, but every tear that lands will burn into you

first you have to give up

first you have to hit bottom

bottomless darkness

this is the greatest moment of your life and you're off somewhere missing it

this means something...maybe this is a sign

it was right to kill all those people

cigarette burn spots of somebody crying

open your eyes..congratulations!...you're a step closer to hitting bottom

you have to see

without their death, their pain, without their sacrifice

we would have nothing

THE END

Without your wings I can do nothing You've worn out all your dancing shoes this time

He'll keep you in a jar and you will seem happy, he'll give you breathing holes and you'll think you're happy.

<<haha carissa it looks like tony's eye!!

How about you stop acting like you're in grade school and get over it?

Don't look at me or I can't go.

I said Don't look.

And that's exactly where the vanishing point ends.

I'm so tired, tired of all the people I call my friends.

She's waving around a half broken perfume bottle saying she'll slit his throat if he even tries to touch her. She's crying and bleeding curled against the bed. And she says it hurts. Holding her hands up as if she were praying, blood running down the palms, down her wrists, across a diamond bracelet, and to her elbows where it drips to the floor.

Who would do this to me?

Who would hate me this much?

Everything is wrong. It sounds like hitting bottom.

Everything in the exact shape of his kiss.

Doesn't this ever heal?

ZEN

Nobody has even noticed. Maybe they don't want to.

I'm saying hello to everybody. HELLO! Look at me. HELLO! I am so ZEN. This is BLOOD. This is NOTHING. Hello. Everything is nothing, and it's so cool to be ENLIGHTENED. Like me.

Sigh.

Wrong answer. Right question.

These things happen.

FUCKING THINGS UP

FUCKING THINGS UP
FUCKING THINGS UP

We're invisible to eachother now. I don't say anything...

You know the condom is the glass slipper of our generation. You slip it on when you meet a stranger. You dance all night, then you throw it away.

Just like you did with me. You threw me away. You threw us away. Everything is fucking gone now. Can't you see that?

Maybe you just don't care..

Flowers bloom and die

Nobody notices...

I just want him

I want him gone

Love intensely right?

The way a Christmas tree is the center of attention and then after Christmas, you see those dead Christmas trees with the lights still on them, dumped alongside the highway.

I guess it didn't matter anymore..

I guess we don't matter anymore?

This is where someone loves you enough to save you but still destroys you.

I just stare at him walking away.

Silence

He is gone

At least he is trying to ruin things this time

Life is so much better being ruined

Besides I'm enlightened now. You know, only Boddah-style-behavior. Spider chrysanthemums. The Diamond Sutra and the Blue Cliff Record. Hari Rama, you know, Krishna, Krishna. You know, Enlightened.

He says I'm nowhere near hitting bottom yet. And if I don't fall all the way, I can't be saved. Jesus did it with his crucifixtion thing. I shouldn't just abandon money and property and knowledge. This isn't just a weekend retreat. I should run from self-inprovement, and I should be running towards disaster. I can't just play it safe anymore. This isn't a seminar. If you lose your nerve before you hit bottom, you'll never really succeed. Only after dissaster can we be ressurected. It's only after you lost everything that you're free to do anything. What I'm feeling is prenmature enlightenment. Where I'm at now I can't even imagine what the bottom will be like.

He is gone, vanished, dissapeared.

Go, just go, get out. You already control all my life. Asshole. Fucker. You left me.

10:10 PM - 1 view - 14 eprops - 8 comments - email it

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Alone this holiday

<<What I said today...haha Virginia

Don't live a life of death

Don't waste your time on me.

I will not deny that I love you. But I will confess to you that I love him.With this I'll end it tonight. And I will do it without fear of death, to live unstained to him. I long to die. I die to thee. If all else fail I will go. I will leave you alone, never to awake to my face again. Tomorrow night you will lie alone. Without me. And awake from a pleasant dream of death. A timeless end. Of happiness. Let me die. This deprived remedy. Death lies on her like a happiness. And she will be beautiful in heaven forever. There dead, she lies immortal.

I long to die

I die to thee

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

He still had me. Didn't that mean anything to him?

From loves weak childish bow, she lives unloved and alone </3

I wanted to be your reason to live

I wanted to be your death

************************************************************

This love feel I, that feel no love in this. Sad hours seem so long. Not have I which makes them so short. And if you leave me so you do me wrong.

i have lost myself

i am completely and totally gone

Do I live dead that live to cry now?

you wrote my death certificate

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sometimes you look forever but the unexpecting thing is it was right where you expected. Maybe I just need to open my eyes to what is right in front of me.

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Me and you will be together one day and life will be just perfect in the arms of death. I'd do anything to feel you with me. You have no idea what this means to me. And how every minute breaks my heart.

The fucked up thing is I would still die for you

Lost in the prescription, she's got something else in mind. Check into the Hotel Bella Muerta

If I may and if I might. Let me down. We'd be. And if I say what it's like. I might be dreaming. If I may. What is right. Some may time. To see me bleed. Those years in is wasted. And phrase from his pocket. And chains holding the wind. Life long dream. Dream. Do-re-mi. And if I may. And if I might. Wake me up and see me. And if I do and if I like. Find me out. And see me. And if I may. Cold as ice. I might have to see me dream. Dream

You're gone. I wish I could wake up and see you right beside me. I miss you more than can be put into words. I love you so much. I will be with you.

I need you terribly right now. Give me whatever you have because I need it right now. I need you right now and if you leave me I'm nothing. Please don't give up on me. Please don't forget. I just want to wake up and it will all be over. I want everything to end. I want to die.

I'd give everything just to be right there where you are

I would give up the world to touch you

I would sacrifice my life to be with you

I can't say how I feel right now. I feel nothing. I'm numb. I am nothing. I just want to smile again. I want to feel again. I just want....I'm cutting that part out of me because I don't want it anymore. I'm sick of crying. I'm tired of it all.

I'm sick of waking up to just another cut...more pain. The second I wake up the feeling comes back. It never leaves. I just want it all to go away. I want everything to vanish. If I have nothing left then I have nothing to live for. I just need a reason to say goodbye. Everything I do I think it's my last. Every smile. Every laugh. Every wave. Every tear. Everything I do feels like goodbye. I hide from myself because I don't want to figure something out about myself that I didn't know. I don't care about anything anymore. I try hard to smile. I try hard to laugh and pretend that I'm ok. I pretend everything is fine. Inside I'm screaming. I want out.

I don't know if I can follow through with your words. I'll try. Believe me when I say that.

How's it feel?

Feel forgotten?

god this is so fucked up...i still love you i just don't want you to do what you did to me last time...i can't go through that again

I don't feel like I'm gonna make it. Maybe it's just a feeling. Tomorrow seems like it won't come...

Maybe it's the end

X</3xoxoxo***********XXXxxxoooOOOO<3</3xoxoxo**********

I want to go to this Land of Enchantment

Everybody feels like the center of attention but completely cut off from participating with anyone else. You're the corpse in an English murder myster. That accidental-on purpose suicide with Xanax. You might not want to sleep tonight. Just in case.

Just in case you burn the house down

Just in case you go out and find a gun

Just in case he's still in the house

Just in case

I loved him. I trusted him. This wasn't something they needed to know about. Rejected. Did we hit bottom tonight?

If Marilyn Monroe was alive right not what would she be doing? I say goodnight. I think of her clawing at the lid of her coffin. She wants out as bad as I do. Defects exist. A throwaway item. Next to nothing. A mistake. I'm looking for something. Where is it? I can't remember sleeping since three nights ago. The insomnia distance of everything. A copy of a copy of a copy. You can't touch anything and nothing can touch you. I havn't sleep in three days unless I'm sleeping now. I want this fantasy world. The swollen red scar of his kiss. A copy of a copy of a copy. Speculation. He just looks at me and automatically I'm not good enough. Just throw me away again. A bullet flowers inside you. His words coming out of my mouth. Inside you. It's scary. This guy, he knows all about you. And then he will fail. CAUSE OF FAILURE. Unknown. Maybe you shouldn't be bringing me every little peice of trash you pick up. I don't care. This empty feeling brings me closer to god. This is it, all night your thoughts are on air. All night long you're thinking, am I asleep? Have I slept? And he's so happy to see me. He thought I was dead. Yeah, me too. Disbanded. I collapse. Oh shit. I open my eyes. Fuck. Do I know him? I don't know. Maybe...

Blah blah blah the end

And she will be loved.

I know that goodbye means nothing at all.

No one will hear anyways is someone who used to be happy and loved Image hosted by Photobucket.com

and maybe we will see a shooting star and i will wish for us to be together forever

I'm an easy rapist...don't hate

KurtsImmortality [5:20 PM]: so did that hurt when i raped you?
KurtsImmortality [5:20 PM]: just a lil?
XxCkYbAbixX [5:20 PM]: yeah a bit
XxCkYbAbixX [5:20 PM]: you didnt have to pull my hair though
KurtsImmortality [5:20 PM]: i'm sorry...i was just trying to be cute :(
KurtsImmortality [5:20 PM]: i thought you would like it
XxCkYbAbixX [5:21 PM]: i was liking it a whole bunch before you did
XxCkYbAbixX [5:21 PM]: you made me lose my erection
XxCkYbAbixX [5:21 PM]: when i was slammed against the wall
XxCkYbAbixX [5:21 PM]: in the bathroom stall
KurtsImmortality [5:21 PM]: :( i'm sorry...i just wanted you to think i was cool
KurtsImmortality [5:22 PM]: because i love you
KurtsImmortality [5:22 PM]: that's all
XxCkYbAbixX [5:22 PM]: i still do
XxCkYbAbixX [5:22 PM]: i loved it
XxCkYbAbixX [5:22 PM]: and you too
KurtsImmortality [5:22 PM]: don't lie to me
KurtsImmortality [5:23 PM]: i made love to you and you didn't even cum...do you know how that broke my heart?

XxCkYbAbixX [5:24 PM]: well maybe if you didnt pull my hair
XxCkYbAbixX [5:24 PM]: i cumed in my mind
KurtsImmortality [5:24 PM]: i thought pain aroused you
KurtsImmortality [5:24 PM]: i just wanted to make you happy
KurtsImmortality [5:24 PM]: i'm sorry
XxCkYbAbixX [5:24 PM]: if it makes anything better, when i jack off i think about you

XxCkYbAbixX [5:24 PM]: and i cum like crazy
KurtsImmortality [5:25 PM]: well (trying to cover the huge smile) i guess that makes things better

"c'mon."

"you?"

"don't play cute with me princess, we're way past that."

6:50 PM - 1 view - 14 eprops - 9 comments - email it

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